My Waistline thanks Thee

Dear Little Shop Near My Owner's House,

I wish to thank you in advance for the increase in circumference that your new offering in your store will cause me. I've not doubt that your new "Rock Taco" and "Nacho Cheesier" Doritos will sell well; I am quite sure that my owner, that silly waiguoren that lives in Dong Fang Hai Yang Hua Yuan, will buy up most of your stock.

I am comforted by the fact that while you are sending your daughter to school with the proceeds from your laowai Dorito sales, I will be giggling up and down as my owner (the silly laowai aforementioned) is running for hours on the gym's treadmill trying to shrink me down in size. I have no doubt that my grumblings will cause the da pangzi to spend a small fortune in your store, on Frito Lay products alone. I am glad a direct result of my grumblings could result in your daughter's further education.

Please consider expanding your line of tasty munchie goods to also include such Western snacks as Pepperoni Pizza Combos, Cowtails, and gallon jugs of Wawa Peach Iced Tea.

Sincerely,
Nick's Waistline